An anonymous story on a truth about life…
“Alright, I am just going to jump right out of the gate with this, so that there will be no questions on what this article is about. I am gay and I can count on one hand the number of people that I have trusted enough to share that information with.
Growing up, I spent my life knowing there was something fundamentally different about me but I never knew what it was. I was a Christian girl, brought up in church with a wonderful Christian family and I was always taught that being homosexual was a terrible sin. Therefore, in the years that I spent soul searching and learning who I was, it never occurred to me that I was gay. Simply because that wasn’t an option. It wasn’t even on the table.
So I spent most of my life confused about myself. I grew up idolizing women. I never had crushes on boys in middle school and high school. I never giggled over the hot guy in that new movie that had just come out. I was always more interested in the pretty girl who’s heart had been won by the hero. I began to notice that the way I connected with girls was vastly different than how I connected to guys. With men, I truly desired nothing but friendship. I never wanted anything more than that. However, with women, the friendship was never enough. I was never satisfied with just being friends. I wanted to have a deeper relationship.
I know you’re thinking, “Wow, that’s a huge red flag. It’s super obvious that you’re gay.” And I would agree with you, except that I would never allow the thought to enter my mind. I was taught being gay was a choice and I never chose this. So it really just never occurred to me that I was dealing with crushing on my girl friends.
Now we can sit here and point fingers and say, “Oh well she and her mom must have had a rocky relationship and that’s why she’s gay. Because there was no maternal influence and now she’s seeking it out in other ways.” Or you can say that I just haven’t found the right man, or that I was sexually attacked as a child, or I that I must have left the church and started worshipping demons or something, I don’t know. The point is none of those excuses are true. The truth is I am gay because I am gay. No other reason. Same as you (not you if you’re gay) for being straight.
So let’s skip over the peas and get to the meat and potatoes of this whole thing. Because I know, you’re already tired of reading. So here we go. I have told a handful of trusted friends and family about me. I am confident that others know, if not strongly suspect that I am gay. However, I am rather good at pretending that I am straight. I’ve done it all my life and honestly, I do it for one simple reason. Fear. Fear of rejection.
Let’s talk about rejection for two seconds. The scariest thing I have ever done was admitting being gay to myself. Because I struggled with rejecting myself when it became apparent to me that I could be gay. Guys, listen to me. I rejected myself because I was gay. I didn’t just do that. I was taught to do that. I was taught to reject things that are not seen as normal by society. How unhealthy is that?! There are kids out there today, who are rejecting themselves for one reason or another because society says so. That rejection, can lead to some tragic endings if it’s not handled or dealt with. And don’t think that their feelings of rejection ends there. They will project the rejection they feel of themselves, back onto themselves as if it is coming from everyone around them. And they will feel all of that rejection. All. Of. It.
So this is what it felt like when I was wrestling with myself about being gay. The first thing I felt was absolute and utter failure. I felt failure on all levels. I had failed at being a daughter, a sister, a friend, a Christian and a girl. I dealt with so much confusion and doubt. I even tried to convince myself that I was straight; but then I would see a really pretty girl and fall right on my face and there’s only so many times you can do that before you catch the hint from the Universe, honestly. But seriously this was a time in my life when I truly was hating everything about myself. So not only was I dealing with confusion, doubt, self-hatred, but also fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of rejection from myself, the church, family and friends. I felt Anger for feeling all of this but beneath the anger was guilt and shame. I felt all of that constantly. All day. Everyday.
So I looked to my faith to try to deal with this. And religion was only making it worse. Every time I tried to read about it in the Bible I felt so condemned. I would try to talk to others around me about homosexuality without giving them the idea that I was dealing with it. Everything they had to say made my stomach sink. There was no relief until I finally prayed and talked to God about it. He was the only one that made me feel loved. I asked Him, “Why me?” Why did I have to be this failure of a person, of a Christian, of a daughter, of a sister of a girl? Why did I have to turn out this way? Haven’t I suffered enough against the rejections of others? Haven’t I paid my dues? Don’t I deserve to be happy too? And he responded with the most beautiful declaration of love that I have ever heard. He soothed the pain in my heart and He has accepted me for who and what I am. And because of His words to me I was able to finally stop wrestling with myself and just admit it to as truth.
When I finally admitted it and accepted it as truth for the first time it was almost subconscious. It was just a thought. It was fleeting. It was no big deal. It wasn’t some divine revelation. It was just simple, unadulterated, naked truth. And in that moment I was so happy. I felt whole, like a giant piece of me had finally clicked into place. I felt like so much finally made sense. What I felt was true bliss and I felt so light, like I was free of all weights and worries of the world. For a moment all time had stood still. I was over the moon. I was so happy. I felt like I was soaring and free. The internal battle that I had fought for my entire life was finally over. There is still an external one I fight everyday. There is a reason that I asked this remain anonymous. Because the opinions of others still carry weight with me. And those opinions can affect the friendships that I have and even the career that I am working so hard to succeed in. But as things are now I feel like a cat who found out she is so much more. She’s discovered that she’s a lion and in that revelation she discovered that she is so powerful, she is the Pride of the Wild and she is the Queen of the Jungle.
It took me a long time to work up the courage to tell my parents. When the time came it really was out of hands. It just happened, I am fortunate to have a wonderful and loving family. One that accepted me and told me they loved me and support me in everything that I do. As time goes on I am slowly gaining courage and telling more of my friends. I just hope that if anyone out there is struggling and wrestling with themselves just know you’re not alone and you are loved.”
Thanks for sharing anonymous. We appreciate and respect your truth and vulnerability.
-Amanda & Bridget