Even when we might not understand life, Angela is here to remind us that “everything’s gonna be alright.” Enjoy!
“Have you ever had that feeling that everything is going to be alright? About a month ago, there was a song that kept playing in my head. It wasn’t Bob Marley’s “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright”, but it had a similar message to me. There is a verse in the song that says, “I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.” I was about 8 weeks pregnant at that time, and I started to have small complications. Everything that I read online said that it was entirely normal to experience what I was experiencing, and I kept hearing the song in my head, which brought me great comfort. I was confident that it meant that God was taking care of my baby and no harm would come.
Fast forward two weeks and I’m sitting in the ultrasound room. Three words were spoken, and my life would never be the same -“I’m so sorry.” She didn’t have to say another thing. I knew what it meant. It meant that I was wrong. It meant that I should have been afraid. Everything was not alright. I had lost my baby. It had stopped growing around 7 weeks. The complications were symptoms of an upcoming miscarriage. I was crushed.
You know those times when you want to wail but you can’t seem to breathe? Or when it feels like your life is a movie and you watch yourself from afar with no clue what’s next? Yes, that was me.
About 24 hours later, my body begins the process of releasing the child that I already loved with my whole heart. I can’t begin to explain what it feels like to think about your child being flushed down a toilet. Traumatic is the only word that comes to mind. As I cried about the loss and the thought of what just happened, the Lord reminded me that my child was not in fact where I thought it was. My little peanut had been in heaven for 3 weeks already. What was leaving my body was a shell, a temporary home, but nothing more. After completing surgery, I began to write on the way home from the hospital:
Not My Baby
What left my body on this sad day,
Was not my baby, let me say
My lil’ one walks on streets of gold,
With peace and love and joy untold.
He or she is clothed in white,
Knows no fear, no pain in sight.
Jesus was there to welcome in,
My second child who knew no sin
Maybe Mam-maw, Momo, and Pap-paw, too
Were waiting there with hugs for you.
Now Mom, Dad, and Your Big Sis
Are here on earth and you we’ll miss
But we have no reason to despair
For one day we will meet you there.
We love you, Little Peanut!
This poem was the first step in the healing process, but I still didn’t feel settled. Two weeks later I was in a church service, and the song played, “…I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.” It was then that I realized that I had missed it. I thought the message which I had been hearing in my head for weeks was that I didn’t have to worry about anything bad happening because God would keep me from those things, but that isn’t correct. I don’t get to avoid bad experiences because I am a child of God, but I can know that even in the midst of the most difficult times, He is there with me. And because of that, I do not have to be a slave to fear. Because my soul is at peace. This present life is just a fleeting blink of an eye. Eternity is what we live for, and we have hope of seeing our loved ones again…and seeing our savior face to face. So, what are you afraid of? Know that the Lord is big enough to walk you through it. Nothing can separate you from Him, and that should help you believe that “Everything’s gonna be alright.
Thank you so much for sharing Angela!