Grace… My Story…

IMG_9020In truth… I want to be able to continue to balance the life God has given me… To become a woman that can maintain balance… And I believe that’s part of cultivation… This ability of a sense… That allows you to see who you are… Where you’ve been… And where you might go next…

I grew up in religion… I’ve never fully accepted grace… Because I believed it was for everyone else… What I was supposed to “give away”… Not for me to keep…

And I’ve been through consecutive years in my life… Years where I choose to try and “work” my way out of religion… Years where I wanted it all settled… I needed it straight…

And those years, well they produced harshness inside of me… I was afraid of letting God reach out to me… Sure, I could allow the Holy Spirit to lead me… But God… Grace… Love… Mercy… I was tired of hearing about it…

So I shelved God’s grace… The truth… The idea… The reality of it… I placed it to the side… I continued to try and work my way out…

But trying to work my way out of religion… It’s just not possible… We have to have His grace to get out…

And… When I found myself California… I was dazed… Confused… Despressed… Sick… And just hurt…

Hurt by myself for working to make things a giant mess.. And so I stopped…

I stopped working… I stopped carrying problems of self and others…

And somewhere… Somewhere over the course of two years… Well I actually gained an identity… An identity based in grace…

Because God, in all of His grace brought me here… And whether it may have been through the encouragement of others… His grace and goodness have been my story while I’ve just lived for two years…

Even through my dad’s death… That could’ve been awful…God’s grace and love for me has been so strong…

And now… Now as I’ve been choosing to come to a place where I just accept my role as a daughter in His Kingdom… Well I am finding that it’s so simple… I don’t have to read my Bible (I never do)… I don’t have to pray a lot… I don’t have to study because I think I need an answer…

I just have to accept grace and love and peace… And within that… Well I don’t care to try and fit in to become secure in who I am… Sure I might want to sometimes… But for the most part, I’ve learned to love me… To give my problems and the ones of others to God… And to stop trying to figure it all out…

And I believe everyone is different… The religious… The non-religious… But we all want better in some capacity…

And honestly… Grace is the only thing I’ve found and accepted… The only thing I’ve learned… The only real thing that truly allows us to become good and better in life…

Because if I didn’t choose grace with the kids I nannied… Well… I might’ve gone crazy… But somewhere in there, I learned that they are learning… That they aren’t perfect… That I’m not perfect… And that they deserve patience, love and grace…

And now, looking back… Well… I believe I can continue to allow God to simply give me grace in the midst of every day life situations…

And that, within itself, produces a lifestyle of pure, authentic grace…

e78d528d51725c1ed3b7a77129be442eAmanda

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